My Personal Momlationship Hell Scenario


First, our daily dose of fiction:

Peering into the window of the cozy suburban house, she saw what she was looking for.  There they were, the three of them, out to get her for all her crimes.  The only ones in the world who knew who she truly was.  How they’d figured it out was a mystery to her.  

***ooooh…so much suspensefulness…how will the story end?!?***

You know I love meeting other moms, but I do have a mom dating kryptonite that takes away my momlationship powers and renders me completely useless.  I’m about to throw myself into My Personal Momlationship Hell Scenario.  I know.  Sounds so dire.  Today I have to spend many hours outside in the hot July sun watching kids do games while standing next to a bajillion moms I don’t know.  It’s sweaty, sporty first base, and it’s my personal nemesis.

I do not behave at my personal best in these situations.  Sweating makes me cranky, and I’m a human mosquito magnet, so I come off as this whiny, sticky, frowny mom who occasionally has a weird freakout swatting invisible bugs.

It gets worse.

Yesterday my son and I had this disturbing conversation:

Him: Hey, for family day, the parents can join in and do the games, too.



Me: Would you…like me…to do that?

Him: Yeah!  It’ll be great!

Me: Okay!  Totally!  Super fun!

Never let them see your terror.  I think I sold him on my total enthusiasm.  Note the exclamation points.  So I’m about to break out my excellent sportliness in the heat with moms I don’t know.


This will in no way end in epic disaster.  My main objective for the day is to not embarrass my son with my mad skillz and ninja-like coordination.

If you see me in this situation, please be aware of these important points:

1. I am terrified someone’s going to toss a ball at me and I’m hiding crazy eyes behind these sunglasses.

2. If we were meeting in air conditioning, I’d be a completely different person.

3. I’m focusing all my energy on not experiencing heat-induced Hulk-like rage.

4. And also on not freaking out all over the overly-perky people waving pool noodles and rounding people up for super fun games.

5. I somehow missed the part of childhood when people explained the rules to sports.  I was probably hiding in my closet reading a book.  So when they want us to line up and do all the sports together, I have no idea what’s happening.

Oh shoot.  I have to go.  They’re coming for me.  Agghhh, too soon!  I’m not ready!  Is it over yet?  Mommy!

***UPDATE***  I have just returned.  It was all that I thought it would be and more.  Right off the bat, after loud chanting, waving of noodles, and blaring music, we walked to the basketball court, where the coach gleefully announced that the parents would get to share a game of basketball with our kids and I tried not to burst into tears.  I was wearing flip flops and obviously ready to bust out my killer moves.  After that, I had the pleasure of participating in a trust exercise where my son lead me blindfolded through an obstacle course in the sweltering sun.  He was sweating buckets and rubbing it all over my white shirt and I began to worry that I’d have to enter a Sweat T-Shirt Contest next.  I did have one nice conversation with another mom, in the middle of the basketball game as we jumped out of the way of the pack of little dribblers.  If only we’d met at a different place…another time…alas, I’ll cherish the memory.

Previous ArticleNext Article
  • Katie

    This is my greatest motherhood fear. Well, alongside the related terror that I will give birth to athletes and have no idea what to do with them. But group sports -I’m- expected to participate in comes in at a close second.

    • Melanie Dale

      I’m still rocking myself. May you birth lovely band nerds and maybe even a chess club president. I’m hoping for at least one tuba player in my lot, although none of them seem particularly musical…

  • Jeniffer Sheriff Smith

    Having sporty kids is my worst nightmare. So far, I have been able to avoid such situations. But my oldest is only 4, and she already knows the difference between baseball and soccer (WHAT?! Whose kid is this?!) I keep nurturing her artistic side in hopes that she’ll drop this sport nonsense. Because I will be that mom in the chair with a book. I will, and it’s ugly, but my love has its limits.

    • Melanie Dale

      We will survive this. Somehow. We have to. Alex and I have the following division of labor: Me=indoor sports and swimming, Him=anything involving grass and fresh air.

  • Rebecca Regnier

    Staahp! No sweat. Bring cold water to share and just keep saying “good try!” “Nice one!” You’ll be fine. I’m a “sporty” mom and I just met you and thought you were great, adorable. I’m also a “theater” mom so drop a show tune reference you might meet your new BFF in the crowd!

    • Melanie Dale

      Rebecca, they made me play basketball. With a ball. I will now be in therapy for the next twenty years. (And thanks for thinking I’m adorable. Sitting in air conditioning brings out my best side.)

  • Kim Garbison

    Ugh! Yes!!! Just like I’m not a “camping” mom, I’m not a sports mom. I will drop off at practice. I will watch games from a distance. My butt does not belong on a field. EVER.

    • Melanie Dale

      Ever. Fist bump.

  • DA Schuhow

    The older I get the less I do heat,and I titally understand the heat induced hulk like rage!

    • Melanie Dale


      • DA Schuhow

        I Titally understand LOL! What a typo…..

  • Leslee

    I live in Cali so I am not used to the humidity and it has been just downright nasty the past three days…as my sister and her 13 year old twin boys have come to visit…and I went on a mom’s night out date with 10 women I don’t know. Good thing the mom date was at night and we did do a movie first…aaaah airconditioning. But today, my work is doing a staff bonding day at the beach with kayaks and paddle boards and it feels like a sauna outside so I am really not looking forward to bonding with anyone today over physical activity(I brought a book just in case I can get away with that!) so wish me luck. (and that there is no hulk like rage today…I work at a church and hulking on your pastors is probably frowned upon). Pray!!

  • Lisa Humphries

    Very strongly considering getting my kids into golf or competitive chess or other “quiet” activities that demand silence from the spectators. Chess competitions are usually played indoors, which is generally where one encounters the fabulous AC…Is “competitive crosswording” a thing? I could totally get behind that!